For you.

At one point I thought you were coming around but you never did. It wasn’t me or you that was controlling this. It has become clear to me that what happened between us had its own reason beyond my poor understanding. You may wonder why I waited until now to fully say how I felt;I was fearful. I would rationalize with myself and say that I would rather be friends with you than not speak to you at all. But I’ve realized that instead of walking away as I should have, I was choosing the option in which I would have to walk away later. The longer I waited and hoped, the harder it became to say how I really felt. I thought you must have been an idiot not to know how I felt about you. I still don’t know if you ever realized or understood. Every time you dated someone I experienced role conflict. As your friend, I was happy for you because you were happy but as someone who loved you, I was crushed. If there is one thing I hope you understand, it is that I was always genuinely happy for you and that when I said you could have asked anything of me, I really meant it. The course of our feelings and lives can be changed by such little things. I strongly believe that nothing happens by chance, which is why I kept telling myself that one day this would all pay off. I might one day be able to call you mine. My greatest fear was that I would wait for you forever. I knew I couldn’t let that happen. Every moment is measured; every step is counted. I spent too much time thinking about you. While I had many prospects, none of them interested me. I went through boys like toilet paper. Only a few came close to fascinating me as much as you.  But you could never rescue me from my feelings. I could subjectively separate reality and my feelings but I couldn’t ever change the way I felt. I tried to force myself to think of you as a friend. No matter how many times you said it, it went straight out of my ears. There was never a good enough reason for me to accept it. I was so afraid of loosing you.I felt I had no choice but to accept this painfully lonely role. I never knew if you truly cared. Eventually, I focused on other things such as school and my internships. I became comfortable in my skin and I could be myself always. Never suppressing my feelings to anyone else but you. Others recognized my beauty, my wit, the unique way I saw the world. I never knew what you thought of me.To this very moment, I don’t have the courage to say this your face. Those few moments I had with you made me feel close to you but no matter how close I felt, I was always miles away from understanding. If I ever send you this letter, believe this-that I love you now as I’ve always loved you. If only you could have shared those moments and thoughts. If you had a desire to be with me. I always felt that to you, any girl was a better choice. I was what you would settle for and I deserve to be on your level. If only you could have recognized what was always yours, I feel we could have helped each other, been great together.