Yesterday I watched as a spider slowly killed a moth within it’s web. The moth fluttered it’s wings in defense for quite some time. The spider spun it’s web around it until it could no longer flutter it’s wings. The moth continued to move in the cocoon that it was now trapped within and then as the spider touched it, it went still. I assumed that it was poisoned in the arms of it’s hunter. 

It got me to thinking about my friend and his ex-girlfriend.  When they started dating years ago, she gave up all her friends and completely immersed herself in him. When he called things off she wouldn’t and still hasn’t  accepted that the decision he made almost a year ago was final. Yes, I will acknowledge his slip-ups of sleeping with her various times since then but those moments don’t mean they are together forever, but rather just in those moments.  Isn’t it easy to go back to those we were once attached to or comfortable with?  So like that moth, she has been flapping her wings trying to get what she wants only she doesn’t want freedom. She would love to lay in his web alive and never be let go. She would rather a slower painful death than the quick poisoning he had so kindly chosen for her.  She lashed out on me the other night for icing his hand and all I wanted to say to her was that not every hunter has the same prey. I don’t want him for the same reasons she does. I just want a male friend in this world who doesn’t want to sleep with me and for many reasons he and I could never been involved sexually. He was safe to me. We would never hurt each other in the pursuit of a relationship or sex. 

I also realized that for eight months now I have been that moth struggling within someone else’s web. And like my friend’s ex, I have been fighting for all the wrong things. I was fighting to keep us alive rather than myself.  I have been stubborn,inflexible and adamant in all of my behaviors. Where has it got me? I am still sitting here in the hopes that he would be attentive and kind enough to reach out to me before we part for an unknown amount of time that could result in never seeing each other again. And then comes the moment of bitter realization. The realization that he might not have the ability to show me his soul. The one where I realize that everything I was doing was a temporary cure for an undying illness. An illness of our hearts.  I was trying to hold on to the next few days because I was and still am so incredibly scared of saying goodbye to him.  He has to leave. I want him to leave and yet I beg him to stay. I am scared of being left alone. I am done with the empty threats of no longer being nice, the threats in which I tell him that I won’t be around when he finally finds his way back to my heart. 

I threatened, cried, held on. And when I look in the mirror, I see what he saw. Someone that we both don’t recognize. A casing of what I should be. Swollen eyes, empty eyes.  This cycle of repetition. Try, try,try. Fight, fight, fight. Cry, cry, cry.  Trying to understand why this wasn’t working. Being the person that he had made me into. So I would be easier to leave, easier to reject. He is leaving me but only after I’ve left myself.