pictures of people I hardly even enjoy spending time with
having fun
posted online
so everyone can see
I tell myself often that it doesn’t matter
that those people dancing,
laughing
smiling
standing coolly at the edge of
experience
they can hardly enjoy it without that extra process
of exhibition
as though that moment in time that maddens me so
at 3 AM
while I sit in my dark home
crouching fearfully in my bed
i tell myself that that moment in time for them
never happened.
because they needed it to be validated by the great
vacuous nothing, the spectacle of exhibition
because it needs a void of utter destruction to anchor it into existence
because someone who looks so happy and worthwhile
someone who so fully knows the meaning of a
good time
someone who so fully understands their value
their place
their necessity
their fucking essence and what they mean to others
the full evocative rendering of that entity
that person
who so understands what it means to not want so much to just be able
requires me
alone
quietly
clicking
through the gasping
in-and-out
of
the eternal
sometimes
night
time